There is a very famous story, I am sure many of you must have heard of it. There was a donkey who started an argument with the tiger. The donkey argued that ‘the grass is blue’. The tiger counter-argued about the green color of the grass. The argument heated up, was about to turn in to exchange of blows, but before it could get out of hand, someone suggested to see an arbitrator. They decided to involve the lion (the king of the jungle) as an arbitrator. They reached the king's court and the donkey started arguing his case loudly. He screamed (brayed) that the grass was blue and that it was the ultimate truth. The lion looked at them and nodded in agreement with the donkey. The donkey further pleads that the tiger contradicted him and should be punished. The lion again looked at them and nodded in agreement with the donkey. The tiger will be punished and will observe a year of silence, said the king.
Jumping with joy the donkey leaves the court. The tiger is surprised by the decisions of the wise king. He asks the lion the reason for his punishment. He also invokes the logical reasoning of the king to put his argument in perspective with the fact that the grass is green and not blue. The wise king replies that the tiger is right for one part that the grass is indeed green. But his punishment has got nothing to do with the universal fact of the color of the grass. The punishment, says the lion is for arguing with ‘a’ donkey. “You are a smart and intelligent animal and by arguing with a donkey you wasted your time, plus you brought the argument to me and wasted my time too”.
This story teaches us many lessons. The most important one is ‘never argue with foolish people or people who are fixated and do not care about the truth of the reality. Second, never waste your time on arguing things of no-consequence, especially when you know what the reality is. The most important lesson is that ‘nothing comes to you at the cost of your mental peace and tranquillity’. Arguments can have a grave impact on a person’s mental health. We might not understand it but there are various ways in which it causes harm.
An argument is defined as a ‘communication process that attempts to resolve an actual disagreement, confusion, or ignorance about something’. It is also understood as “an exchange of opposite or diverging viewpoints, typically expressed in a heated or angry manner.” Arguments arise from the clash of opposing view points between two or more people. Arguments can be considered a negative communication style, especially when the delivery is done in an uncivil manner. This type of argument does not follow reasoning and logic and often based on an egoic justification of one side of the story.
That’s where arguments can trigger or worsen anxiety. Arguments can cause stress. Arguments can also lead to depression. I wanted to touch base upon argument especially from the perspective of relationships. Not just between couples, children and parents, but also between work colleagues or team members. Arguments are lethal to any relationship and it’s not the mere tone of the argument that matters it often the context and event it is based on. Arguments can be hurting and can have profound damaging impact on an individual’s mind.
Anger is an emotion that often gets reflected in an argument. Anger can be damaging to both the mental and physical health. Decision-making at the time is blurred and hence often we have no control on the use of language, terms and words. This leads to a lot of hurtful messages being thrown out during an argument. There is impact of argument on the physical health as well. The heart rate increases (palpitations), the breathing is faster, the blood pressure rises, stress hormones epinephrine and norepinephrine are released by the adrenal glands. There can also be some tension felt in the muscles, especially the head, neck, jaw, shoulders. The pitch in the argument is often louder and the vocal cords also can feel inflamed or sore.
The post-argument period where one is calmer to think of what happened is often marked with emotions such as guilt, shame, resentment, loss of self-image and sadness. Not to mention the feeling of being hurt due to the counter-argument of the opposite side. Arguments have impact on the self but on the opposite party and also on those around. Arguments in a marriage with children as spectators can have many adverse impacts on them. It can install fear, low self confidence and often lead to trauma as they experience the scene.
When-ever you are in a position when you have to probably discuss your view point, it is important to be assertive at the same time be civil. Avoidance is not desired so face it, but don’t be argumentative. Don’t be loud. Try to stop your self from raising your voice and control your pitch. Pause and think before you speak. Sip a glass of water and take deep breaths. Try to move yourself away from the situation (not avoiding it) but letting the matter cool down a bit so that it can be dealt in a calmer and peaceful manner. I know better said than done, but I also know its not impossible. Sometimes, its good to let go.
The most important fall out of an argument as rightly said, “You can win an argument, but you will lose the person”.
