If there’s one thing people know me for, I can make jokes in every possible situation. Whether it's a celebration or someone passing away, I always seem to have a joke ready.
In most of my therapy sessions, I cope with my pain and trauma by making dark jokes. Even though my therapist tells me that I need to face my pain instead of hiding behind humour, I'm afraid to confront my issues because I've become so comfortable laughing them off. I'm worried that if I do confront them, I'll lose my sense of humour.
Using humour as my defence mechanism has been my way of dealing with difficult situations. A defence mechanism is an unconscious psychological strategy we use to protect ourselves from uncomfortable situations. We often use humour to distance ourselves from painful feelings, experiences, or situations.
We might joke about our insecurities, relationships, or trauma, making these sensitive topics seem less serious or threatening. This can create the illusion that we're unaffected or emotionally carefree.
I don’t think making a joke in uncomfortable or difficult situations is inherently bad. There are some positives to using humour as a defence mechanism.
Relieves Stress: Laughter reduces stress hormones and triggers the release of endorphins, our body’s natural feel-good chemicals. It’s a way to cope with overwhelming emotions less painfully.
Social Bonding: Jokes can help ease tension, making difficult conversations or awkward situations more comfortable. When everyone laughs together, it creates a sense of unity and makes challenging experiences feel more manageable.
Change in Perspective: Humor can help reframe a bad situation. By finding something funny in a problem, we sometimes distance ourselves just enough to gain perspective and see things more clearly.
Builds Resilience: By laughing at life’s difficulties, we can become more adaptable and emotionally resilient, finding light even in the darkest situations.
While humour can be beneficial, it can also become problematic when used excessively as a defence mechanism. When we constantly “laugh it off,” we risk avoiding important emotional processing. Here are some pitfalls:
Avoiding Vulnerability: True emotional intimacy comes from being vulnerable and open. If we’re always using humour to mask our feelings, we never allow ourselves to be seen for who we are. This can create distance in our relationships, as others might feel they never get to see the “real” us.
Internalising Pain: When we joke about painful experiences, we might convince ourselves—and others—that we’re okay when we’re not. This prevents us from fully processing our emotions and healing. Instead, we bury the pain deeper, where it might resurface in more harmful ways later on.
Minimising Serious Issues: Sometimes, humour can trivialise important or serious matters. When we laugh off something that truly needs attention, like mental health struggles or trauma, we risk not taking those issues seriously enough to seek help or support.
Unintentional Alienation: While humour can be a way to connect, it can also alienate others if they feel we’re deflecting too much. Constantly using humour to dodge real conversations might make others think we’re not interested in opening up or that we don’t trust them with our deeper thoughts and feelings.
The key to healthily using humour is balance. It’s great to find levity in life, especially in tough times, but it’s equally important to acknowledge our emotions and allow ourselves to be vulnerable when needed.
Self-awareness is crucial. Ask yourself, “Am I using humour to avoid something uncomfortable?” It’s okay to laugh at yourself, but don’t do it at the expense of processing your emotions.
Context matters. Some situations call for light-heartedness, while others need a more serious approach. If someone is sharing something difficult, be mindful of when it’s appropriate to joke and when it’s better to listen and offer support.
Be open with your emotions. Practice letting others in and being honest about your feelings. Humour doesn’t have to be a shield—it can coexist with vulnerability.
While humour is a wonderful tool, like any tool, it’s all about how you use it. Laughter can heal, but it can also hide. The next time you find yourself making a joke in an uncomfortable moment, take a step back. Are you lightening the mood, or are you shielding yourself from what needs to be felt? There’s no harm in laughing off life’s little hiccups, but when it comes to the big stuff, remember: sometimes the bravest thing we can do is drop the joke and let ourselves be seen.
Humour is powerful, but so is vulnerability. And finding that balance—well, that’s where the magic happens.
