Human beings are social animals, which was correctly pointed out by Aristotle when he emphasized the dynamic nature of human relationships. People need people to survive, we can’t live alone so we strive to form relationships, and build social networks to have a sense of belonging. I was also into this rat race, looking for someone who could fill the other half of me, I mean most of us do this, right? But have you ever wondered why mostly in relationships one partner is so emotionally involved and the other is running away from those emotional attachments? Has this ever happened to you or have you ever encountered any of your friends into this trap?
Let me walk you through something I’ve been reflecting on, and maybe it’ll resonate with you if you’re navigating complicated relationships. I was into this trap and it took almost 6 years to understand what exactly was going wrong, why I and my partner are cribbing about each other. Let me begin with how everything started. So, we were classmates in our bachelor's, we became friends, chatting throughout the nights, and getting to know each other. The friendship ignited the fire, we both wanted to take it one step forward. So, initially, when our journey began, the honeymoon phase of our relationship was a euphoric experience, it felt as if I was really on my honeymoon trip only, we were love-bombing each other, the sky turned pink, and butterflies in our stomachs, everything felt so good to a point where even the food I disliked to the core has become yummy in my tummy. But as time goes on the dynamics of the relationship have begun to change. The pink sky has turned into dark rainy clouds. We were constantly cribbing, complaining, stonewalling, taunting, and guilt-tripping each other. Ugh! It was awful. Those sleepless nights, and foodless days, and the disputes were never-ending. Just like every love story has a villain, so does mine. But here I’m only the villain. Oh! sorry, I was made to believe that I’m the one.
She started depending on me emotionally so much that I felt it so overwhelming for me, constantly asking for reassurances, and closeness, not letting me go out with my friends, and family, denying everything I said, devaluing me, being dismissive of my feelings, being authoritative and condescending, very insecure if talk to my other female friends. Because of all this, even my friends started avoiding me. She always made me believe that it was entirely my fault. It felt as if I was walking on Eggshells. I was wondering, is this the same person I have fallen in love with? How can someone who says they love me so much also be hurting me deeply?
One side of the grass
Perhaps to understand the crux of the problem, we should get on to the time machine and go back. So, let me take you to her childhood because that’s where all the nonsense happens, right? As a child, she went through a lot. It pains me to say that her mom was emotionally unavailable, leaving home for days and not being there when she needed her most. You can imagine what that does to a child, right? No stability, no emotional safety net, and in some cases, no food on the table. It must be excruciatingly painful for her as an innocent child. That kind of upbringing leaves a lasting mark.
Now, fast forward to whom she is today. She’s a grown woman, grown up to be stronger and resilient but the effects of that emotional neglect are still very much alive in her. So, in our relationship, I noticed how she always asked for more emotional availability, and more closeness it wasn’t just a casual ask she needed it. At first, I didn’t understand why she was always asking for more, but the more I thought about her past, the more it made sense to me.
After a lot of reflection, I understood it was not her fault either, she was looking for the things that were missing in her childhood. She wasn’t just asking for my attention; she was looking for a sense of emotional security that she didn’t get from her mom. She wanted consistency, something she never had growing up which is fair.
Me – On the other side of the grass
Now, here’s where it gets interesting. Since my childhood my father never allowed me to express my emotions, every time I wanted to tell them something deeply buried inside my heart, they rejected it and said you are overreacting. Then I felt people wouldn’t like me if I expressed my feelings, so started avoiding them and eventually, I became Avoidant.
I become someone who needs space, someone who pulls back when things get overwhelming and I’m also less assertive and cannot say no to people. So, I can’t deny her and also can’t let her into my space.
The actual problem
The actual problem is that the avoidant side of me probably reminded her of her mom. Imagine that—you’re seeking closeness, but your partner’s behaviours remind you of the very thing you’ve been trying to escape your whole life.
That’s when it hit me so hard that this isn’t something either of us is consciously choosing. It’s not like I’m deliberately trying to hurt her by pulling away, and she’s not intentionally overwhelming me by asking for more closeness. We’re stuck in this cycle—what’s called the anxious-avoidant trap. The biggest problem is that her need for closeness triggers my need for space, and my need for space triggers her fear of being abandoned.
Ugh!!! It’s this endless push-pull, where neither of us is really at fault. But it feels like we’re both losing…
The Era of Realizations
One fine day, when I was introspecting things, I felt I was only wrong, if I would change myself, there would be no problem. I have decided that I will be going to become someone that she always wanted me to be, become positive, be available to her emotionally and give reassurance all the time. But I was wrong, it didn’t happen the way I thought, the more I wanted to be that ideal person the more she expected out of me, so every time I had to change my approach to affirming her. Then I realized the desire to become an ideal person is constantly reminding me what I wasn’t, what I was lacking and leaving me in a sense of inadequacy.
Just think for a moment when your self-worth is linked to someone else’s expectations, it’s a never-ending cycle of chasing validation. I found myself consciously trying to become someone I was never meant to be. Instead of accepting my imperfections, I’m constantly striving for that ideal person, made me feel uncomfortable under my skin.
I realized that I have my shortcomings, but that doesn’t mean I have the right to hurt her, and keep her trapped in a cycle where she feels lonely and unfulfilled. She deserves something better—something more than feeling disconnected and distant from someone who loves her but doesn’t know how to show it in the way she needs. I don’t want her to go to bed every night with that sense of loneliness, looking around at other people who seem to have these beautiful lives while she’s stuck in the same loop, still searching for love, still asking for the bare minimum. It’s unfair to her.
Final difficult realization: On the last day, we both sat and realized that “It's neither she is wrong nor am I. But we are not right for each other” It’s like we’re both acting out parts of a story written long before we met each other. In the end, we both realised that “We were victimizing ourselves staying in something that never fit. We can strive to be the best version of ourselves, but not at the cost of our mental health. So, we said Goodbye to something that we have been holding onto.
“SOMETIMES LETTING GO IS ALSO AN ACT OF LOVE”
Understanding the Psychology behind it.
Despite knowing that they’re not fulfilled with their relationship, why do you think people would still choose to stay in abusive relationships? Well, the most renowned psychologist, Sigmund Freud once said “We Choose not Randomly each other, we meet only those who exist in our unconscious” Interesting right? He tries to say that the way we attach to our early caregivers, we try to make an internal unconscious representation of that pattern and try to replicate it.
People build an anxious attachment style when they are left alone as a child and they internalize the idea that a caregiver means someone who leaves and is not available. They end up in relationships where they feel the need to chase after love and validation, much like they did in childhood.
Simultaneously, people who are avoidant in nature were invalidated and were raised in a dismissive environment, so they internalize the idea that a caregiver is someone who is unreasonably demanding, clingy, and bossy
The fact is that people want to chase partners who mirror the characteristics of caregivers and simultaneously want to fulfil all the repressed unmet needs from childhood. The primary idea is that as a child “I didn’t have the power and strength to fight with you. Now I’m grown up, I will probably find the person that represents you and I will fight all the battles that I was unable to do as a child”.
So, in my case, she’s looking for that abandoned mother in me, and I'm looking for the authoritative father in her. This is the trap where the anxious person looks for someone avoidant in nature
